Fake Tits Make Me Feel Confident!
Monday, May 04, 2009 | Author: Mad Typist
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It's now been confirmed that the Miss California pageant funded breast implants for this year's winner. Here's the gist:
Friday morning a Miss California Pageant official confirmed previous reports that controversial contestant Carrie Prejean received free breast implants, organized and paid for by the pageant, weeks before the Miss USA competition.
So, not only is Carrie Prejean an unrepentant homophobe, she also has fake fun bags. Nice. The article goes on to post a full transcript of the exchange between "Early Show" host Maggie Rodriguez, and the Miss California official, Keith Lewis. Allow me to share my favorite quote from Mr. Lewis:
"Well, you know, first off, it's not something that we endorse, nor is it something that we suggest. But when we meet with the titleholder when she's crowned Miss California, we put to her a litany of questions about how she feels about herself, what she feels she needs to work on, what she may need to change, what is good, what is not good. We want to put her in the best possible confidence in order to present herself in the best possible light on a national stage."
Not to point out the obvious, but wouldn't confidence in yourself and the natural tits God gave you be a fucking prerequisite to winning Miss California in the first place? Of course, I'd also assume that the ability to speak extemporaneously without pissing off half of America would also be a prerequisite for the job, so it just goes to show how little I know.

Maybe I'm in no position to judge, as I have had fairly normal sized boobs my whole life, but I can't imagine what it must feel like to hate your body so much that you would willingly increase the size of those inconvienient lumps on the front of your body.

However, thanks to the power of imagination, I have been able to come up with a list of ways that I could envision breast implants would improve my life and my self-confidence:
  1. In the event of a water landing, perhaps my giant tits would serve as a flotation device.
  2. I would be well protected if a football player in full pads came up and wanted to do a celebratory chest bump with me. Bump away, Troy Polamalu, because Jessie's tatas are ready to take you on!
  3. With a massive set of DD boobs, I'd eliminate the need for a TV tray when watching Grey's Anatomy. I could just balance my popcorn bowl on top of Lucy and Ethel (for that is what I'd call my left and right teats if they were that large).
  4. I don't enjoy having a healthy back. I want to see what the world of chronic lower back pain is all about.
  5. I dislike eye contact when conversing with men. Having my co-workers and superiors able to focus on my chest makes it easier for me to feel more confident at work when in meetings.
  6. I also dislike eye contact when conversing with lesbians. So, enjoy the view, gals.

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2 comments:

On 11:13 AM , Johnathon Sykes said...

I approve of this message. Pro-Natural!

 
On 4:06 PM , ken&cher said...

Hilarious. Who said that truth has to be painful.

 
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