Sanford Was in Argentina. Also, He Has A Bridge He's Dying To Sell You
Wednesday, June 24, 2009 | Author: Mad Typist
Right now, the current explanation as to the governor's whereabouts is that he was in Argentina, driving around by himself. It's a more plausible explanation than the previous story that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail (or "AT" as it's affectionately known).

Since 1+1 does not, as far as I know, equal 3, I find several elements of the latest update from the Sanford saga strange, however. First of all, let's look at the timeline (note, The State has a similar time line up at their own site):

Thursday, June 18
  • Governor Sanford leaves his mansion
Friday-Sunday, June 19-21
  • People are like, "Hey, you know who I totally haven't seen for days? Sanford. Where is that old son of a bitch?"
  • People apparently start looking for him, since someone went far enough to initiate a search using cell phone technology. (I'm extrapolating a bit here, but The State reported Monday or Tuesday that "Sanford’s last known location was near Atlanta late last week. A mobile telephone tower there picked up a signal from his phone, according to a source familiar with the situation." so I can only assume someone had to be working to make that happen way before the report was published.)
Monday, June 22
  • State Sen. Jake Knotts starts making waves about how no one knows where the governor is.
  • Lt. Gov Bauer asks Sanford's staff to put him in touch with the governor. He is rebuffed.
  • Sanford's wife Jenny admits she hasn't spoken to her husband in four days, does not know where he is, and offers a vaguely weak explanation that he was “writing something and wanted some space to get away from the kids.” (quote from: politico.com's post from the AP). People point out that it's weird to skip out on Father's Day with your family.
  • Late Monday, Sanford's spokesperson, Joel Sawyer, announces his staff knows where he is. They claim he's hiking the AT, and that he can only check in from the trail every so often. “Before leaving last week, he let staff know his whereabouts and that he’d be difficult to reach,” Sawyer said in a interview with The State.
  • The State reports that the governor's cell phone was last registered on the network somewhere in Atlanta much earlier in the week. This casts doubt on the AT story, as people correctly begin to point out that one does not travel to Atlanta if one wishes to get on the AT.
Tuesday, June 23
Wednesday, June 24
  • Sanford returns!
  • In an interview with The State, Sanford claims he was in Argentina. When questioned why his staff said he was on the AT, Sanford reportedly replies, "I don't know." He then later tries to recover by stating that he told his staff he "might be" on the AT.
What does all of this mean? There are some serious logic errors here that throw everything into doubt. Who's lying here and when?
  • On Monday, did Stanford's staff know where he was or not? Did they intentionally lie to the public about him being on the AT, or were they duped by Sanford as well?
  • If the staff really didn't know where he was, did he tell them on Tuesday when he allegedly checked in? If so, why didn't they correct the misconception that he was on the AT?
  • Is Sanford lying about being in Argentina? Argentina's customs and immigration department refuses to confirm or deny his presence in their country. Can Sanford produce proof (receipts, plane tickets, novelty bobble head from Buenos Aires, whatever) that he was actually in the country? The AP throws doubt on his explanation that he was taking a drive on the coast, noting: "Trying to make such a drive could frustrate a weekend visitor to Argentina. In Buenos Aires, the Avenida Costanera is the only coastal road, and it's less than two miles long. Reaching coastal resorts to the south requires a drive of nearly four hours on an inland highway with views of endless cattle ranches. To the north is a river delta of islands reached only by boat."

I'm going to go ahead and quote state Sen. Knotts here:
"Lies. Lies. Lies. That's all we get from his staff. That's all we get from his people. That's all we get from him. Why all the big cover-up?"
Indeed. Are Sanford and his staff quite possibly the WORST liars in the history of politics? I refer not to the magnitude of their lies (since it's undisputable that at least one person told a lie here), but rather the ineptitude with which they spun their lies. Sanford could have told his staff, "Hey, I'm taking a trip abroad for personal fun. Don't ask what kind of fun. I'll check my cell phone once a day." Why drop out of contact for 5 days? Also his staff, assuming they knew what he's really been up to, could have told a much more plausible story than "hiking the AT."

I think most people believe there's a cover up going on here. But what is he covering up?

Here are some of my favorite bits of totally wild, totally baselss speculation on what he might have been up to:

- From my friend, commenting on Monday when the AT was the last known location: "Maybe he's got a secret bear family up in the woods. Bear families need attention on Father's Day too, you know."

- Sanford was quoted that he chose Argentina because he "wanted to do something 'exotic.'" I'm guessing that by "something" he meant "a hooker" and by "to do" he meant... well, you know.

- Per Kressskin's hilarious article, he was really in Narnia.

- He was in rehab.

- He was off having an affair.

- He really WAS in Argentina, and secretly hunting Nazis.

- Had to be off the grid, because cell phones don't work well when traveling in the Crab Nebula. Because he's secretly a robot. From outer space. *Beep beep ribby ribby*

- Was time traveling in TARDIS with the good Doctor. Went to the year 2012 to evaluate his presidential chances (Status: after this weekend... not so good).
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