Cultural Cuisinart

Terrifying news out of Hollywood this week. Brett Ratner has signed on to direct a new Conan movie. Ratner, you may recall, was responsible for that atrocity of a film known as X-men 3, where he single-handedly fucked up one of the greatest storylines in comic book history, the Dark Phoenix saga. I'm not sure if he's doing this film first, or if he's going to go ahead and ruin God of War, which is also signed on to direct. Seriously, why does this guy keep popping up on video game and sci-fi franchises that I like? He's truly a massive douchebag. I can't find the exact quote, but I definitely recall reading an interview with him where he brags about how much money he has, the cars the drives, the hot chicks he dates - he's just gross, and he has shown little respect for the material he's been given in the past. Here's a link to an article about him where you'll get a good sense of his general dick-itude.

Meanwhile, striving to win the Halle Berry Catwoman Memorial "Acting" Award, Beyonce Knowles has decided that she wants to play Wonder Woman in the upcoming movie. If there's anything that The Dark Knight taught us, it's that you can take a superhero movie and you can still deliver quality drama. It doesn't just have to be a mindless action movie. Wonder Woman is one of the cornerstones of the DC Universe (along with Supes and Bats) and there's plenty of great material that could be mined out of Wonder Woman's story. Just see the work Gail Simone is doing on the line for a taste of what it's all about. Anyway, it makes me nervous that a woman like Beyonce, who has thus far been completely terrible in the few acting roles she's taken (coming across too plastic-y, too insincere, and like she's just trying too hard), is sniffing around the role. The only thing she seems to bring is a desire to look "hot" in the classic Wonder Woman red, white and blue.

"I would definitely have to keep it right for that costume. The way that Lynda Carter wore it, she was sooo fine. She was amazing. I saw her costume at the Met. Her waist was unbelievable. It was pretty crazy, actually, her proportions. But I love Wonder Woman and it'd be a dream come true to be that character. It sure would be handy to have that lasso. To make everybody tell the truth? I need that. It would come in very handy."

That's great. There's all these things about Wonder Woman's character that you could focus on representing accurately, but all you care about it "keeping it right" for the costume.

I'm going to preemptively go ahead and announce the cast and directors of the movie adaptations of the rest of the things I love, so Hollywood can finally finish ruining the stuff I enjoy as a discriminating consumer of culture.

1. Uwe Boll directs the movie adaptation of Terry Moore's beloved comic series Strangers in Paradise. Starring Sienna Miller as Katchoo and Kate Moss as Francine.
2. Brett Ratner presents a "re-imagining" of The Piano, only with more hot chicks. Oh, and the star can talk now. Starring Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian.
3. Halle Berry stars as Ellen Ripley in Aliens 5: The Alien-ocalypse
4. Eddie Murphy stars as the entire cast of The Justice League movie.
5. Freddie Prinze Jr. stars in the movie adaptation of Mass Effect, directed by Paul W.S. Anderson.