Cultural Cuisinart

So, they're making a G.I. Joe movie. Jesus Christ, this sounds awful. I'm beyond upset.

Allow me to set a little back story here. When I was a kid, I loved G.I. Joe. I mean, I LOVED it. In second grade, I demanded that my mother buy me camouflage pants and shirts, and then I wore them proudly to school all the time. I had over 50 of the action figures, all of which were meticulously filed in a little action figure case. I collected the bio cards from the back of the packages. I even sent away for the custom silver armored Super Soldier Joe character. I know Lady Jaye's real name and rank. Needless to say, I feel really possessive about the franchise and feared what would happen if they ever tried to make a movie out of it.

Here are some of the many things wrong with this movie, based on pictures and spoilers I've seen:

1. Sienna Miller. How this no-talent bland actress manages to keep getting roles is beyond me. How they think she's going to play the Eastern European Baroness character is a mystery.
2. Sample lines of dialogue: "Deep down, you're still the man I fell in love with." And "Do it, Duke. You've already killed me once." These clunkers are delivered by said shit actress Sienna Miller, for extra pain and suffering on my part, I'm sure.
   
3. Accelorator suits of armor? Joes busting through walls and shrugging off bullets? The f**k?
4. There's a Wayans brother in it.
5. I love The Rock, but he's allegedly going to play Shipwreck, which is just insane.
6. Joseph Gordon Levitt is playing Cobra Commander. Double insane.
7. It's directed by the genius who brought you Van Helsing. Aieeee.

The only (and I mean ONLY) thing they've done right so far is cast the excellent Ray Park as Snake Eyes, so at least his ninja vibe will rock. Take a look at the gallery in the link above, and tell me that Dennis Quaid's expression doesn't totally miss "Bad ass military guy" and land on "Completely constipated".