BufBloPoFo Day 12 - Why I Enjoy My Barren, Childless Existence
Wednesday, March 25, 2009 | Author: Mad Typist
BufBloPoFo 09 Topic for Day 12

Lisa, Maeve, Addie and I had Unkie BAStart and Auntie Outgrabes over for some vino and pastries last night. The girls, happy to have an audience, but happier to have cookies, took their time heading for bed. Parental wherewithal can come from years of childrearing, or it can apparently be pulled from a bag of goodies bought at Starbucks. That kind of knowledge doesn’t come automatically for parents, so for day 12 (three more days!) I want to hear your best advice for those of us raising kids.

First of all, those of you following this blog may be wondering what this BufBloPoFo business is all about. Well, the full details can be found here, but in short: the idea is to blog every day for a fortnight. It originated with a group of bloggers from Buffalo (hence the BufBlo portion). The leader of the group, Mike, posts topics for those afflicted with writers' block.

Anyhoo, while I'm usually good coming up with my own topics, today I feel inspired by the topic.

I have no children. I have no plans to have children. I am not, as they say, a "natural mother" and if I were to have kids, I'd probably be the person most likely to benefit from the advice inspired by today's topic. However, clearly I am unqualified to offer advice to parents about their kids.

Allow me instead to offer up some advice to those of you who are like me, and do not wish to have kids: it is a valid and rewarding life choice, so don't let those breeders get you down. There's a certain assumption that you're supposed to have kids at some point in your life. This assumption is particularly strong if you happen to be a woman. When you declare your intent not to have kids, a lot of people get all up in your grill, telling you that you'll change your mind eventually, etc etc. While I allow that it's always possible that I may someday change my mind, it's also equally possible that if I do have them, I'll regret losing many of the benefits my childless existence affords me.

Here's some reasons I enjoy not having kids.
  1. All my money is dedicated towards making life easier for myself and my boyfriend. The $100K I would've had to put aside for my child's college education? All mine. The cash I would have spent sending the kids to space camp? Squandered in a haze of alcohol and gambling in Vegas one weekend.
  2. With the extra cash I have available, I have purchased a big TV, an XBox360, a gaming PC and a Nintendo Wii. When I want to play with any of those toys, I do. I don't need to worry about whether Johnny wants to watch Power Rangers, or Susie wants to play Animal Crossing.
  3. I can leave my porn and handguns lying out all the time.
  4. I have a freedom with my schedule that just wouldn't be possible with kids. Tomorrow, if I were so inclined, I could toss my cats in a kennel and go to Europe for a month. Heck, if I want to go to the gym on Mondays and Wednesday till 7pm (which I do), I can. My cats can wait till I get home for their kibble. Kids - not so much.
  5. If I'm a jerk, only my own life is really affected by that. Yes, my boyfriend would probably be peeved, but I doubt I can cause him the mental trauma I'd probably inflict in a small child if I were to attempt to raise one.
  6. I will never, ever have to go to a Jonas Brothers/Miley Cyrus concert (or whatever the next incarnation of tween star is).
  7. The box of Animal Crackers is all mine, baby.
  8. All the sharp edges, fire hazards and steep staircases can remain untreated in my house.
Disclaimer: This is to all those angry parents out there about to write me nasty emails/comments about this post - obviously, I am not judging people who choose to have kids. My sister just had an adorable set of twin boys this past November, and I love them to pieces, so of course I'm glad she chose to have kids. I have many friends who have kids, and those kids are pretty neat too. This is merely my own personal choice for my life, so chillax.
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On 6:18 AM , manon said...

Very true and to the point.
As Evelyn Waugh once wrote on procreation: position ridiculous pleasure momentanous expense overwhelming.

On 7:32 AM , Brownie said...

Being a breeder, I hope I've never pressured you into having kids. I just think cool people should have kids. The thought being that they will more likely produce cool kids. No worries though... I'm jealous of your child-free lifestyle. So, I wouldn't pressure you to change. Hey... maybe that's why people get into your grill... they're jealous of your freedom... misery loves company right?

On 8:03 AM , Mad Typist said...

Brownie - no you've never pressured me, no worries. And truthfully, your own superhuman breeding skills are actually a great advertisement for the joys of parenthood. If I could guarantee that my spawn would be as cute and well-behaved as your own kids, I'd be much more inclined to give parenting a go....

On 1:04 PM , Jenny said...

Thanks, I needed that today. I stumbled on this through OS, after just this morning lamenting that all of my classmates from 25 years ago that I've found on Facebook now have multiple spawn. I remain blissfully childless and will not feel guilty about it.

On 5:02 PM , Ann said...

I really enjoyed this.
My husband and I are also child-free by choice.
Thanks for sharing.